Beautiful Bryan

In my bid to keep healthy, 🙄 I joined a step class on a Friday morning.

I missed out on the Step craze in the late 80’s where the classes seemed to house the cast of Dallas.  Eager participants with coiffed hair and full make up, who were usually incredibly fit, shiny looking and swathed in lycra. Yes, that was just the men.  Jane Fonda was the pin-up  girl of Cardio exercise back then and if I’m honest, a glimpse of her leaping about in her electric blue leotard made me feel bilious.  The footwork reminded me of the game ‘elastics’ that we used to play at school, which involved a circle of friends who were bound together at the ankles by a very large lasso of elastic.  The object of that ‘game’ was to work the elastic up the players bodies to their necks with one person hopping between the group giving you nasty burns.

We knew how to have fun in the Midlands 😂

Let me tell you ‘elastics’ got banned at Queens Road Middle after Vanessa Jones broke her nose. Kids today eh?  They don’t know they are born.  Anyway I digress.

I’d heard the name ‘Bryan Watson’ whispered around the changing room of the local gym with a kind of reverence and mutually assured understanding amongst the more mature ladies.  On the basis of that, I foolishly thought his class might give me a ‘gentle’ reintroduction into group cardio exercise.  I was wrong.  Bryan is a devil in disguise.

If you have ever seen the film ‘Stepping Out’ it will give you some idea about the wonderful ambience of Bryan’s class.  It’s an unpretentious jolly group of ‘keep fitters’, some of whom have attended the class for many years.   At 9.50 AM the bustling crew of different shapes and sizes rush to get their plastic steps and find their position in the dance studio.  It’s a hive of chatter, rainbow gear and a noisy familiarity which is incredibly welcoming.

“Anyone new?“

Bryan asks at the beginning of each class through his Janet Jackson headset, whilst simultaneously stretching his calf muscles with the dexterity of Wayne Sleep.

“Anyone pregnant?”

…..he continues with a glint in his eye over the general chatter.

“Anyone listening?” 

(chortle)

So we begin.

One of the best things about Bryan’s class, apart from the man himself of course, is the music.  Pumping 70’s disco fills the studio including Sister Sledge, The Jackson 5,  Donna Summer and to my utter joy …The Three Degrees !!! (How long has it been since YOU heard The Runner?!) This glittery barrage of nostalgia carries you through the fact that after about 40 minutes you can’t breathe or see straight.

So, as the opening bars to Anita Ward’s ‘Ring my bell’ echo around the studio, Bryan and his Scottish lilt coo soothingly into his microphone for the ‘Warm Up’.  I say ‘Warm Up’…my hair felt like it was on fire after the first five minutes of my first class.

“The night is young and full of possibilities, well come on and let yourself be free ….yeeeaaaah” .

Before you know it we are all clapping and marching to the beat.  I kid you not, everyone is smiling.  Big beaming happy joyous faces.  Whatever magic Bryan is weaving it’s definitely working.  There is a lot to be said for ‘letting yourself be free’ on a Friday morning in Acton.

“Come on now on ring those bells! Plenty of time for Gin and Tonics later!!”.

‘Step Aerobics’ is built on a variety of moves that form a routine.  It can be quite complicated and you can always spot a newbie in Bryan’s class from 100 paces.  In this case, me.  I stood wide-eyed and motionless at various stages or occasionally veered off into a spot of ‘dad dancing’ mid routine just to keep moving.

Bryan likes to start off slowly, to lull you into a false sense of security….I feel obliged to include a link to The Three Degrees just to get you into the mood for this next bit….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fj7V-P2g5LM

 

There I am, dressed head to foot in my new keep fit gear, attempting to follow instructions and not break my ankle.

“Okay….here we go….5, 6, 7, 8….Tap up Tap down…Up to the corner.”

So far so good.

“Hamstring curl, clap clap clap clap, Knee liiiiiift, Over the top and step forward, round the corner and again…hamstring curl, clap clap clap clap, Knee liiiiiift, Over the top and step forward, round the corner and again…

Oh it was going so well…the memory of Vanessa Jones’ broken nose flashes before me

“Across the top, around the world, revolving door…..across the top, around the world, revolving door…” 

Ye gods.  Concentrate Daniels concentrate.

“Flamingo, horseshoe, helicopter, Whoooo Hooooo…  flamingo, horseshoe, helicopter, Whoooo Hooooo….punch, punch, punch”

As my eyes dart about in search of the emergency nebulizer I am beginning to wonder if Bryan is in fact human.  My ‘flamingo’ seems to have become trapped in my ‘revolving door’ circumnavigating the globe.

Yep I have absolutely no idea what’s going on anymore.

It’s only been 15 minutes and I can’t feel my face 😀

The ‘Spirit of the Blitz’ that exists in Bryan’s class keeps you going and nods of encouragement from the stalwarts of the group is an incentive to keep breathing.

Out of the corner of my eye I see an exhausted lady in a floral headband pinball her way out of the studio and I realise I am not alone, but I am not giving up!

If you go ‘wrong’ on a move Bryan will make a donkey noise and point at you

“….eeee awwww eee awwww”

Yes that probably sounds terribly cruel but it’s not it’s hilarious, especially when you are delirious.

“Straddle, indecissssssion, test the water, climb the stairs, rocking horse, wide wide widddde….wide wide widddde.

This is probably the closest I will ever come to an Ironman triathlon

Mambo, cha cha, squat, sunshine knee.  Over the top and step forward, round the corner…..

I am beginning to wonder if lying down on the corner might be an option.

Sometimes mid routine, Bryan’s mic batteries go, no one can hear the instructions and we are left lolling about like lost sheep.

“Oh no, we aren’t stopping for a break yet” 

Bryan chuckles as I fall off  my step, and stumble into the studio wall reaching for my obligatory water bottle.  I can see why the spaces nearest the studio walls get filled first.  I envisage the carnage of falling into fellow class members that would rival a world domino line championship.  Kerplunk with neoprene.

For the first few weeks my Fit Bit couldn’t take the pressure!  Will it resuscitate me if I collapse?

 “6 step rumba cha-cha, arabesque, superman. double stop…Okay from the top.  5, 6, 7, 8…...eeee awwww eee awwww”

When you do get it right, the feeling of elation is amazing.  Suddenly you’re part of a dancing army.  The endorphins kick in and you feel like you could join Pans People or make it to at least Week 3 of Strictly!

There is a brief break mid way through which involves glugging water like Lawrence of Arabia and listening to my ‘step-neighbour’ Doreen’s review of her recent cruise through the Fjords.

It’s a great class, it really is.  You completely forget the feeling of your heart beating out of your chest and the sound of the ambulance sirens, because you laugh so much.

With the UK submerged in negative news about growing obesity and our unhealthy sedentary lifestyles Bryan Watson should be available on the NHS.  He is an unsung hero and a great supporter of positive mental health.

After 50 minutes of stepping, stumbling, leaping, laughing, breathing and staying alive… Bryan leaves you with words akin to Peter at the pearly gates.

“You got the end right, that’s all that matters “

I just read that Bryan runs a Zumba class on a Thursday evening and a new Keep Fit class on a Saturday morning.   Will I be alive by Christmas?