Henri Matisse said ” Creativity takes courage” … he wasn’t wrong. It’s difficult to have courage in your convictions and faith in your talent.
Before becoming an actress, I loved the commercial sales world I worked in and I think it’s safe to say I was pretty good at it, but I was a square artistic peg in a round commercial hole.
I was raised in a family where achievements weren’t celebrated so much as ‘expected’ and working class motto’s were bandied about like tennis balls. The slogan on our family crest if we had one (delusions of grandeur I know) would be…
Yes I really am that old and if you don’t know who Asquith is you’ll just have to google him 😀
That saying was jolly popular in our house. In other words keep your head down and hope for the best.
Yes in my previous career, I tended to stay more in the background and ‘hope’ that my results would speak for themselves. I may have attained significant sales targets but when it came to ‘selling’ my own abilities, I was absolutely rubbish. The problem with that in a competitive environment, is there is always someone ready to shout louder than you, or throw you (and Asquith) under the bus for their own gain and make you feel insignificant….which they did….because I let them.
I also respond emotionally to everything, which isn’t helpful in that kind of job. I hated hiring, firing and dealing with workplace bullies, of which there were many. I remember having to make a lovely chap redundant and crying for ten minutes in my plush office worrying about how he would feed his family. I just never felt quite right in the corporate world. A therapist would have a field day. A result of my upbringing? probably. Youngest child mentality? also probably true. Even now in family situations, I am the first to be put firmly in the ‘baby’ position. I’m nearly 50….you have to laugh.
It took a while for me to walk away from the world I had gotten so used to. I was 33 before I went to drama school. Some people said “Ooh that’s jolly brave, how marvellous”, my Nan said “you’re bonkers, you must get it from your father’s side”.
The creative soul in me longed to bravely walk into the spotlight without a care in the world. The thing is, apart from that one time, that one huge decision, I have NEVER bravely walked into anything! Even now, writing and performing, the process is never so much about seeking fulfilment or even recognition as it is about the fear of failure and being criticised.
Fixating on the fact that I wasn’t ‘achieving anything’ had creatively paralysed me and I lost focus on the things I love to do. I had lost the knack of putting the pieces of the jigsaw together to move forward.
I think it was recognising that and hating the need for validation that recently prompted me to join an on-line 8 week course entitled ‘Into The Spotlight’. It promised to tackle the following:
- The self-sabotaging beliefs that are keeping you stuck and unable to see a way forward.
- The patterns of behaviour that are linked to these beliefs.
- Some nifty tools for dealing with the saboteur and tuning into the inner voice that wants action.
- Your unique creative process and how you can harness it to support you.
- What it is you really want to achieve in your creative life.
- The practical steps you can take daily/weekly/monthly to keep you moving forward towards creative fulfillment or creative career success.
What I really loved about it was the promise of a ‘virtual’ group of mutually creative chums (in my case, another actress, a screen writer and a make up artist) and a coach I admired. As the course is all ‘on-line’ there was no need to attend group meetings sat in a circle of plastic chairs in a church hall of a Friday evening…
“Ooh Amanda you have lost 2 lbs of self-worth this evening, here’s your certificate and a free horse hair whip with which to thrash yourself”. No I could sit behind my computer screen in my pants if I wished. I didn’t. Just my pyjamas a few times.
It was a 8 week foray into the unknown and actually, I loved it.
Jude, who runs the course is full to the brim with lovely advice… ‘Don’t give up on the dreams of your childhood, they are the whispering’s of your soul”. Jude says lots of lovely things like that, she should start her own bumper sticker company.
I love Jude she enables you to validate yourself.
Jude makes you realise that actually, you are enough.
The course was made up of weekly video calls and one to one sessions with some homework. There is also a project involved which encouraged me to rekindle a passion I had left dormant for over 30 years…and no it isn’t Leif Garrett or skateboarding….not with my knees. There are videos and audio to help along the way, to focus you on your creative goals. I am not sure actually how Jude does it, but there’s something rather magical about the whole thing. It is inspiring and comforting at the same time.
I don’t really want to give too much away because I urge everyone to do this course and I don’t want to spoil the fun! It’s not just for people who currently work in creative jobs, it speaks to creative souls everywhere. Lawyers who perhaps want to write a novel on the side, frustrated songwriters who happen to drive a bus to pay the bills, the stay at home parent who has always wanted to become a florist, or anyone who has a dream they want to make a reality. If you are in a creative rut and don’t know how to get out of it, then this is for you. Yes you!!
I really looked forward to my Wednesday evening sessions…. and you learn so much by listening to everyone else.
I guess it comes down to not focusing on other things all the time to distract yourself from your goal, because you are fearful of failure/rejection etc but being those other things. It enabled me to step outside of myself and have a look at what other people saw. How good I had become at self sabotage. It is incredible what your mind can convince you of! What a cop-out!
You can’t help what happens to you in life but you are responsible for what you do with it. It’s so easy to fall back on familiar habits to the point where you go round in circles so many times you feel at ease with being dizzy!
My favourite part was probably Week 3, because I was introduced to Frank and I cannot imagine my life without him. I love Frank, almost as much as I love Jude.
Treat yourself, I promise you, you will be astounded. You will come away with a tool box for life that rivals 60 Minute Makeover.
As Jude says if you ignore whats going on inside, its like sending out a ship without a captain. Well my ship has a full complement of staff now. I am sure there are stormy waters ahead, but with a trained crew I’m confident it will be smooth sailing.
See what I did?
All The World's A Glitterball 
I think sometimes we all get into a rut and I’m so glad to read this and know you’re finding your way out. Keep going and don’t get “trapped within the barriers of time!”
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